I need to go on record first as saying . . . I totally deserve this. Not only was I speeding, really speeding, but I have a habit of speeding, which has been getting worse in the past few months.

Not just in the car, but it’s kind of like a theme in my life: a hundred miles an hour . . . right up until I smash into the brick wall and collapse or something. I’m usually a girl of extremes. I live passionately and fully and with great enthusiasm. I am stubborn and joyful and am a good problem-solver. I struggle with things like patience, although I don’t hold a grudge and tend to be okay with forgiveness. I love to give and I love to love — and these I do as much as I can, usually without thought to what it might cost me. (Which, of course, is not good if you are my accountant, but I really don’t care about having any money in the bank. I just hope to be able to pay my bills. After that, if I have a zero balance, but the people I care about are happy, then I’m all good with that.)

Some of these are good things, some are not. A little more balance in my life would probably, objectively, be a good thing, but I am not good with that.

I am not upset at all about my speeding ticket. I think God allowed me to get that speeding ticket. I think I probably needed to get that ticket. I tend to have little regard for my own well-being. I tend to be careless with myself, or rather, unconcerned. This frequently gets me into trouble.

Over the past month or so, I’ve had problems with chest pain and shortness of breath which have had me in and out of the ER, and even admitted to the hospital. I can’t run anymore and it takes me a lot longer to get anything done.

I think God’s trying to tell me to slow down, in a couple different ways.

I have only ever given out the Body of Christ, and ever since that first lecture in RCIA when Fr. John was speaking about dropping the host or spilling the consecrated wine, I have been terrified of doing either. I am still concerned when holding the Body of Christ, but, as a non-liquid, He is less . . . wiggly . . . in this way than the Blood. That, and I have nightmare daydreams about little kids grabbing the cup from me and spilling.

When I saw that I would be doing a “cup” position for the first time, I was kind of freaking out. After all, it wasn’t my choice to be a Blood minister. I had thought that eventually I would choose to try being a Blood minister (okay, there’s gotta be a better term for this) . . . you know, when I was ready. I told several of the other Eucharistic ministers with me that this was my first time — looking for reassurance. They were all very nonchalant about it, so I was left unvalidated in my fear. Adding to my sense of unease was the fact that I had been listening to the Bible on CD on the way in to church, and I was in the middle of Leviticus, where they are talking about splashing the blood on the altar. Which I really didn’t want to do today.

I was doubting my abilities to adequately protect Him until He was safely consumed and united with the faithful. Silly me, right? I mean, obviously, Jesus can take care of Himself. But, you know, I worry anyway. So, I was praying about this — trying to ignore my fear and trust that God wouldn’t have anything bad happen.

Then came the homily. Our associate pastor was the one celebrating this Mass; however, our pastor came out to tell us of a situation in the archdiocese which has recently become public. As I reflected on the matter, I was made even more aware of the significance to me of being the one who would be providing access to people to the Blood of Christ. Because it is the Blood of Christ which washes away our sins and effects our reconciliation with God. True, that we receive the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus under either/both species; however, it is a stronger sign (for me anyway) in drinking of His Blood.

I felt, particularly at this time, that it was a time where everyone affected — our parish, the archdiocese — needed to be immersed in Christ. It was a time for reconciliation, healing, and most of all, for love. Whatever the truth of the matter, there are two people directly involved — both of which are hurt — and many other people indirectly hurt. This really hits home demonstrating the devastating effects of sin and how sin is a community affair — not limited to the involved parties.

I pray for God’s will to be done in regards to the situation, for His healing hand to be on the minds and hearts of everyone affected, and that the Holy Spirit works within us all so that we can love, show love and be love to all those who need it — especially in this matter. I pray that this will not divide us as a community. I pray that we will continue to have faith and trust, and leave the judging in His hands.

I do feel that I have a particular vocation, and it sometimes expands in scope, and I believe that in this case it includes this situation. Please pray for my compassion, empathy and strength, and the capacity for rendering whatever aid God asks of me.

So, I felt blessed to be able to participate in this way, in this specific Mass, being entrusted with the Precious Blood of our Lord. Somehow, it all tied together perfectly for me in a way which confirmed to me God’s presence. As was very recently pointed out to me, I am in His hands always — and that goes for every single one of us.

Sorry to be so vague.

– In His Love

As an aside, there are certain ethnic groups traditionally spotlighted today: the Polish people for the paczkis, and the Creole people with the huge Mardi Gras celebration in New Orleans. As a little French girl with some Native American blood, I think that I should qualify as a Creole. :) At least for the party, right? :)

Please remember in your prayers today René LaMourt, a friend of mine who passed away just after returning from a deployment at sea, about 11 years ago on February 28, 1998. Please also pray for Sheri, a friend of a friend, who committed suicide last Thursday.

Laissez les bons temps roulez!

Don’t think that I am exempt from this! Ha! But, I want to work on going deeper than just superficial things to really attack the heart of the matter. I don’t want to be sick, but I suppose that I can’t keep my head in the sand when it comes to my sins and the various ways in which I just don’t get it.

It is pretty much safe to say that I am messed up, topically, on anything that has to do with the Theology of the Body. It’s very hard to give a gift of yourself when you don’t think that your self is anything worth giving. If I am nothing important, than giving me to someone else isn’t that great of a gift.

Okay, that’s definitely a work in progress, and one that is just beginning at that. On to love, since that topic is intermeshed in the whole Theology of the Body topic. Obviously, I need a lot of help to learn what it means to truly love another person as God loves. Sure, I’ve had experience with the warm fuzzies, and with wanting good things for others, but to truly love as God loves, it needs to go beyond that.

Truly, thanks be to God, for He is helping me with this. It has long been the case, (or at least nearly as long as I’ve been Catholic, so about a year and a half or so) that I’ve felt that God has given me a specific person to teach me what it means to love another. I didn’t want to like this person, much less love him. I would have been perfectly happy to avoid this person and interact with him on a need-only basis. Nothing against the person at all, but I was uncomfortable in his presence and a little frightened of him — for no reason — and had made up my mind to minimize interaction.

Well, we all know what happens when we tell God our plans. I think He’s still laughing at me.

So, God made it so that I came to love this person. He is my example and my lesson. It isn’t just that by watching how he interacts with people that I learn what it is like to give of yourself to others, even though he is a good example in his own actions as far as I can tell. But it is more that God has so put him on my heart, that I can’t help but learn, despite how messed up I am. Believe me when I say that I can objectify anyone and take anyone for granted and be as mean and self-centered as anyone else. Except with this person.

And, because I am just that sick, I tried. That’s right, I’ve tried to see if I could think bad things or fantasize inappropriately or something like this. Not that I particularly wanted to sin, or to invite temptation or anything — that wasn’t my intention — but I didn’t know what this was and I wanted, I suppose, to probe the depths of my sickness and see just how sick I was. “Am I **this** bad??” But no. Yes, with other people, there is no end to my imagination. But with this person, I cannot go there. I try to think of these things, and the thought just slips away from me like a greased bubble. What an awesome grace that is! Truly! I wish I had that for everyone! I was concerned, too, for a while that I had some sort of sick obsession or fixation, but this has absolutely nothing to do with romantic love and doesn’t have a selfish aspect to it that I can tell. It doesn’t have anything to do with what I can “get” from the relationship. I am just thrilled with the fact that he exists. And how wonderful it is to know that even through death, there is the possibility of seeing that person again in Heaven. Assuming that I make that Purgatory cut-off.

For this person, I always want what is good for him, even if that is not what is also good for me. I have true concern for him and he is the only person that I automatically pray for every day. Not that there aren’t other people that I pray for every day, because I do have several people that I pray for on a daily basis.  The difference is, for this person, it’s not something that I think about. I can’t help but pray for him daily. It’s not a burden or a box to check or an afterthought or a list or anything like that, but a concern to make sure that God knows to take care of this person. I am constantly bringing him before the Lord in prayer. God probably laughs at me for that, too. :)

Truly, Thank You, Lord, for this. If I am paying attention, I can try to catch myself in my interactions with others and substitute this other person to see if my actions and thoughts are truly loving. If I would react differently, then I know that I am being less than truly loving, and that I need to adjust what it is that I am doing.

So, what prompts me to write all of this today?  Not really for the sake of telling you all this.  Actually, it is quite embarrassing to me. I think people will take it the wrong way, or think that I do have some weird, disordered attachment. So, if it were up to me, I wouldn’t say anything. But, this morning, I think I was taught another lesson, and if I am to relate that to you, then I needed to give you some background. Sorry it took so long, but that’s the way I roll. :)

Not too long ago, I was in a conversation with a group of people, and the topic eventually came around to this person. Nothing was said which was bad, and everyone there truly liked and cared for this person, but for some reason it was unsettling to me. I didn’t really have anything to contribute to the conversation, and was mostly listening, and maybe, somehow that was worse. Like I was hearing things I didn’t need to hear. Again, not that I was hearing dark secrets or anything like that, but just — I don’t know — personal things that either should come from him directly, or not at all. It was a passing feeling that I managed to brush off. Feelings come and go, and I know that the people there loved him as well, so it must just be that I was being silly, because it was all benign.

Then, this morning on the way to Mass, I was recalling this conversation, and for whatever reason, I just felt heartsick about it and felt like I should apologize to him. For exactly what, I wasn’t sure, but it felt a little bit like…a violation, perhaps. Ooh, just typing that sounds so harsh. And it wasn’t like that. Don’t think anything bad about the people in the conversation. I think it has much less to do with them, because their comments really were benign, and more to do with the fact that God is using (again) this person in this situation to teach me a lesson about love.

It has been said that if you truly love a person, then you have an infinite desire to know everything about that person. I know that is true for me, but this felt like the wrong way to go about getting information. Again, completely benign, but it cut that person out of it. If love is to have a relationship with another person, than some information should come out of interaction with that person directly. Kind of like if I decide to have a relationship with a particular saint, and I research the saint and talk to people about that saint, but never actually engage that saint in conversation or pray to him or her. There’s something wrong with that interaction. Not that the research or the conversation about the saint was bad, but that there was something lacking. An absence of intimacy. Or a detachment which shouldn’t be there.

A lesson to me that a person is not a thing to be loved, but a person to be loved — which is a particular lesson for me. Let me say again, how truly glad I am that I God gave me this person, and that He is using him in this way. Please, Lord, bless him and keep him in Your love.

ROME (Reuters) – An Italian couple who were caught having sex in a church confessional box while morning Mass was being said have repented and made peace with the local bishop.

The couple, in their early 30s, were detained by police earlier this month after they had made love in the confessional box in the cathedral in northern Cesena. They were cautioned for obscene acts in public and disturbing a religious function.Their lawyer said they had been drinking all night and realised they had gone too far.

The lawyer told the area’s local newspaper on Wednesday the couple met with the local bishop on Tuesday night, asked for his forgiveness and that he had given it.

Last week the bishop celebrated a “Mass of reparation” in the cathedral where the confessional box incident took place to make up for the sacrilege.

Okay, now calling all canon lawyers, etc., who may come across my blog — kindly pick this apart for me, the almost-still-a-neophyte Catholic and explain all the ways in which this was wrong, and in what ways might it be in very poor taste, but not technically wrong.

I suppose first, we should determine whether the act itself was a sin.  Was this a married couple or not?  Let’s assume, for argument’s sake, that they are married.

During Mass.  Obviously, really poor timing.  I mean, it’s great to give yourself to your partner and renew with your bodies the vows that you made at your wedding, but how does that compare to actually taking the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ into oneself?  If people (including me sometimes, eh) really got it, what was taking place during the Mass, they would be lining up for miles, prostrating themselves in front of the Lord and going out into the world and shouting from the rooftops that they received the Creator of the Universe into their very person.  I have heard of other things (most notably, confession) taking place during Mass, so other things can kind of be there, but Reconciliation is another sacrament, which is to say another encounter with Jesus.  Sex with your spouse — not a sacrament.

Point two:  the article states that the couple had been drinking all night.  I think that an inordinate consumption of alcoholic beverages is a sin, and more to the point, how can you truly make a sincere gift of yourself if you are plastered out of your gourd?  I would think that that would interfere with your will, and cheapen the encounter to a pleasure-only experience.

Point three:  we are not really loving our neighbor, are we?  I mean, it might be fine and all for a married couple to have sex, but there is a huge ICK factor for the people who need to use that room following them.  I would hope that they were quiet, but there is the possibility that they, um, disturbed people attending Mass.  Again, not loving your neighbor there.

What does this say about people’s understanding of the Theology of the Body? 

Okay, I’ve given up the first three points that crossed my mind.  Now, it’s your turn!

So now I will have GPS and stuff and actually know what’s on my calendar.

Still a Crackberry though — I’ve gone Evil Empire!

 With a law, there is the concept that if you break the law, you will incur a penalty.  The example given was that the speed limit is 70 on M14, and if you happen to go 90 and get caught, there is a stiff penalty.  (Of course, he says that he doesn’t know this from personal experience….)

Hmmm….  Now, I do happen to speed along M14…daily….  Keeping that in mind, let’s continue with our studies, shall we?

He goes on to say (not verbatim, but in essence) that a law makes you aware that you need help.  That there’s nothing wrong with the law in itself, but something wrong with my capacity to keep it.  And also that a bad place to be is to live under the illusion that I’m fine.

Oh great.  So, nothing wrong with a speed limit, but there is something fundamentally wrong with the fact that I habitually do not observe it.  And that I think that my action in this regard is okay, is a deeper sickness within me.

Ouch.

I usually have a very difficult time with distractions during Mass.  Not that I don’t want to be fully engaged, but Fr. JJ thinks that I may have a little bit of ADHD, and I keep having to bring myself back to what is occurring in front of me.  My mind wanders so very easily.  But today, I managed to stay mostly focused (by the grace of God, certainly).  As Mass continued, I became increasingly joyful, almost to the point of grinning.  (I try not to do that, though — wouldn’t want Father to think I was laughing at him or something.)  I became so joyful, that I was worried about after Mass for a moment, because I intended to ask Fr. John about the outcome of the vote in the Michigan senate (?) about partial-birth abortions, and it just wouldn’t do to be smiling when one asks about that sort of thing.

After Mass, I caught him and he asked how I was doing (”Very, very good!  You?”) and then he paused when I asked about the partial-birth abortions and said that he hadn’t heard anything other than they were supposed to vote on Wednesday, but didn’t, then they were supposed to vote yesterday, but didn’t — and to keep praying.  He started inching towards the door (and his car) again, while I remained behind to talk to a friend whose wife is due in just a few weeks with their second child.

As I left and approached my car, I saw something concerning.  I stopped and looked at the passenger side and there was one — no, two — vertical dents in the door.  Obviously, someone had hit my car with their door.  My car is not quite 5 months old, and it’s the first new car I’ve ever had.  I stood there for a second, feeling the dents, waiting to feel anger — for surely that has always been my response to things like this — a visceral, self-righteous hatred of the negligent offender.  To my surprise, that anger…never came.  I was still happy and joyful, and I didn’t understand why.

So, I pondered this.

First, I thought about how even though it was important to me, it was just a thing.  And things will come and go.

Second, I don’t have control over anything other than my own actions.  I can try to protect my car, but there is going to be a time (quite frequently) where I am not around and it is going to be on its own, for better or for worse.  I have to learn to let go and not try to cling or control all situations.  Worry and anger aren’t going to change anything, and they aren’t going to prevent anything — so, why be anxious?

Third, as I looked at my car, I felt sorry, and I think I actually said something to it like, “I’m sorry this happened to you, but I still love you just the same.”  Now, I’m not really in love with my car.  Certainly, I like it and I enjoy it, but I’m not obsessed with it or anything like that.  So I thought about what I said and realized that in a way, this might be how God feels about us.  He may be sorry that bad things happen to us, and sorrowful when we sin, knowing that we are hurting ourselves, but He loves us anyway — despite our dents.  And in the end, when we go home, we may look at one another and see all of the dents that we have and praise God all the more for His mercy and His grace and His aid to help us through all the rough patches during our pilgrimage here.

Fourth, I wondered at the power of the Eucharist, for certainly this grace that was given to me to look beyond myself and my interests had to have come from Him.  It *had* to be due to the presence of God dwelling within me.  What an amazing thing that is!  I hope that I am always open to having Him work through me, and to be able to reflect His love onto others.  To not only work towards, but to desire to conform myself to Christ.

Finally, I prayed for the person who dented my car.  Perhaps they were having a really bad day and they need prayer to help with whatever situation they were/are in.  Perhaps it was an accident and they felt horrible about it, and they need to know that it’s okay, that they can slip up and still be loved by God and by their neighbors.  Perhaps they were just negligent and uncaring, in which case I pray that God will open their hearts to a sense of communion with others and work on their heart to make them desire to fully be a part of the Body of Christ.

Then, I looked at myself, and wondered if maybe this wasn’t just a small beginning into understanding what it means to lead a Christian life, and to want the good for others and to die to self.  For certain, it is only a very, very small step, but just maybe I’ll be able to take something away from this experience and be able to apply it in the future in a positive way.

Have a joyous, blessed day!  :)

1. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

• Do I fear being poor, in spirit or otherwise, and prefer to be rich in money, brains, or influence?
• Is my desire for poverty of spirit congruent with my lifestyle?
• Do I use the word of God to rationalize my lifestyle, or am I willing to have God’s word criticize it?
• Do I cling to my own ideas, opinions and judgments, sometimes to the point of idolatry?
• Do I contribute my time, talent and money to the poor of the world?
• Do I make it my business to examine the causes of poverty in our world and work to eradicate unjust systems?

2. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

• Do I grieve over loneliness, despair, guilt and rejection in the lives of others?
• Am I willing to admit my own despondencies and need for comfort?
• Do I minister consolation and healing, or do I blandly encourage people to “have courage,” thereby avoiding the opportunity to mourn with another?
• Am I doing anything to dry the tears of those who mourn over war, poverty, hunger, injustice?

3. “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”

• Do I see any value in meekness or nonviolence?
• Do I cringe at the thought of being called meek?
• Do I understand nonviolence as a way to fight evil with good, and do I choose to live that way?
• How much are intimidation and force part of my lifestyle?
• Do I work for nonviolent social change?
• Do I foster a cooperative spirit in my children?

4. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.”

• Have I kept myself ignorant of important current events that are manifestations of injustice?
• Are my energies and passions focused on Christ, or are they scattered, disordered, divided?
• Am I honestly trying to improve the quality of life around me?
• Am I trying to improve the environment, racial relations, care for the unborn, sexual equality, the lives of the poor and destitute?
• Have I decided that I will not be satisfied until justice is fulfilled in my own life, within my family, my church, my community, my world?
• Have I let fear keep me silent when I should have spoken out against prejudice, injustice and violence?

5. “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.”

• Do I operate on a double standard of expecting mercy but not wanting to grant it?
• Do I prefer the strict law and order approach, or that of mercy, tenderness and compassion?
• Are there places in my life where people are suffering because of me and my unforgiving attitude?
• Am I devoid of a merciful spirit toward those I call “enemy”?
• What is my attitude toward capital punishment, ex-convicts?

6. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

• Am I trusting and trustful?
• Do I value living without pretense, or am I constantly fearful that someone will take advantage of me?
• Am I open and honest about who I am and what I do?
• Do I deflect the attention and honor due to God and claim these things for myself?
• Have I been untrue to myself, even a little, for advancement, money or good opinion?
• Have I failed to take time for prayer, solitude, reflection?

7. “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God.”

• Am I eager for reconciliation, or do I antagonize and yearn for revenge?
• Do I think apologizing is a sign of weakness?
• Am I willing to be a bridge in family and community arguments?
• Do I support violence in films, television and sports?
• Have I studied peace and taken initiatives to stop violence and war?
• Have I read, and do I support, the many official church statements against the arms race, nuclear weapons, war?
• Do I see the Christian vocation as one of peacemaker?
• Is my presence a source of peace to those around me?

8. “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.”

• Do I criticize or ridicule those who suffer for their beliefs?
• Am I embarrassed to step out of the mainstream to stand up for a principle?
• Who are my heroes? Are there any among them who gave their lives without vengeance for what is true?
• Would I do the same?
• Do I worship security and fear costly discipleship?
• Have I called myself Christian without making my life a witness to the teachings of Jesus?
• Have I openly supported those who defend justice and give their lives for peace?

9. “Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven.”

• Do I live confident of the promises of Jesus?
• Do I surrender to pessimism and anxiety?
• Do I perceive that there is a paradoxical victory in the cross of Jesus that breaks through power structures and conquers in peace and love?
• Have I become cynical rather than hopeful?

From “The Fire of Peace: A Prayer Book – available from Pax Christi USA; #542-217; $12 plus shipping and handling.

Most people are in search of being validated in their search for love and their desire to be recognised for their unique unrepeatability (apparently, my phrase of the week).  People don’t want to be loved as part of a generic group, they want to be loved for themselves.  The cry of our hearts is not “Love us!” but “Love ME!”  And the Lord does.  As I have heard *someone* :) say a time or two, “God loves us each…individually…by name.”

 So, how does this relate to this website?  Well, certainly there is an element of truth to the funny and stereotypical things posted on the blog.  Is it so foreign to think that “white” can be a category?  But that is what tends to happen in our culture — we tend to think of “white” as the default.  Not that this is a good or a bad default, but that it is often the base assumption if no other descriptor is given.  For example, people are often described as being Black-American, Hispanic-American or Chinese-American; but how many people are described as White-American?  It is quite often commented that in not assigning a specific descriptor to this group, and using it as a baseline assumption, that there is a danger in tacitly advocating a racial agenda — and there is some validity to that line of thought.

But, for a moment, let’s sidestep that issue.  The fundamental reality is that all people are made in the image and likeness of God and are equally loved and valued in His eyes.  No matter what.  Our classifications and ranking and dominating behavior and marginalizations are all sins against His plan for our unity and our purpose for communion.  We are made for communion; we are made for love.

 What is happening then, as evidenced by this tongue-in-cheek blog?  White-Americans are trying to find a cultural identity.  At least, it appears this way to me on the surface.  Instead of being lumped together into the “generic” category, this subset is trying to find a way to express their own unique unrepeatability, and find a way to stand out from the homogenous crowd.  Perhaps this is why so many people are quick to make regional/national affiliation statements like “I’m Italian,” or Irish, or French, or German, etc.

I remember myself as a kid growing up, I was a little upset that my cousin was an “Italian Princess” because her father was from Italy — and I was not.  When I asked her what, then, was I?  She just shrugged and said, “I don’t know.  You’re just white, I guess.”  I thought this was horribly unfair.  I wanted to be “special” too!

How silly are we all?  We all *are* special.  Again, God loves us.  Each of us.  Specifically and uniquely *you* and specifically and uniquely *me*.  And how silly are we trying to apply labels and groupings to ourselves to try and be “more special” or “different” or “unique,” in an effort to — what?  Stand out from the crowd?  Gain love for ourselves?  To have the cry of “Love ME!” be answered?  Ha!  It HAS been answered!  With a definitive, “I do.  I love YOU!”  Christ did not die on the cross for humanity as a faceless mob.  Christ died specifically for *ME* and specifically for *YOU*.

In my own personal journey, I have a long way to go to correct some of my wrong thinking.  As I have said before, I think God has been trying to give me a message that goes something like this:  “Do not grasp for what is being freely given.”  Meaning that I should stop trying so hard to try and get God and other people to love me — for they love me already.  I just have to be open to recognizing and accepting this.  And this is not an easy thing for me to do.  And, this grasping, isn’t that exactly what caused the Fall of Adam and Eve?  Here it was God’s plan already to share in His divine nature with Adam and Eve, but they readily accepted the insinuations of the Serpent that God might be holding out on them, so they decided to reach out and grasp for that divinity themselves.  So, if this grasping on their part was the cause of so much sin to enter the world, then I certainly have reason to try and eradicate that part of my nature from myself.