We talk for a couple minutes more, then she says she will have U of M call me with the appt. I verify, “Okay, Endocrine, right?”

She says, “No. Neurology. I changed my mind. You could just be really brain damaged.”

I laugh and laugh.

She says, “I’m sorry. That’s a horrible thing to say. But you seem to have a sense of humor.”

LOL!

So soon they will see just how brain damaged I am! :)

She said on the way out the door, “You have to be careful when you call here; my staff keeps wanting to send you to the ER.”

Fr. A: “Hope you have a good day! We just received Jesus, so . . . . Oh . . . . I guess that means it’s all downhill from here.”

LOL! :)

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, “You are all part of our team now,” said the Human Resources Rep. during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any employees.” The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company’s performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads, “No.” After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose hesitantly.

“You fool!” the leader said. “For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.

Teilhard de Chardin:
The chicken was pursuing a teleological upsurge toward final consumation in the Omega Point of Divine Love.

Flannery O’Connor:
The chicken was struck by a truck while crossing the road, but experienced a flash of grace in the instant of its death. I prefer peacocks anyway.

Thomas Aquinas:
Whether the chicken crossed the road?
Objection: It seems that the chicken did not cross the road, for chickens are accustomed to the farmyards that are the source of their food, and the henhouse that is the source of their rest.
On the contrary, “And God said to Noah, ‘Go into the ark, and take with you . . . seven pairs of birds of the air. . . .” — which could not have been accomplished had the chickens not crossed the road to the ark.

Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith:
We don’t care why the chicken crossed the road, as long as it had the right of way and crossed in an approved crosswalk.

St. Lawrence of Rome:
Run, chicken, run! Run from the rotisserie!

St. Paul:
Let’s just hope that the chicken had a life-changing encounter with the risen Christ along the way.

Moses:
And the angel of the Lord went before the chicken, and there was a strong wind, and the traffic parted before the chicken, so that it was able to go into the midst of the road, with the traffic forming a wall on the left and a wall on the right, so that the chicken crossed the road safely. The farmer pursued the chicken into the midst of the road, and the angel of the Lord looked down on the chicken, and the traffic closed in on the farmer, so that the chicken did prevail with the help of the Lord.

Father Daniel Berrigan:
Clearly, the chicken crossed the road as a nonviolent protest of the road’s implication in the military-industrial complex.

Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments:
We’re not sure, but if it was trying to reach across the road to hold hands with another chicken during the Lord’s Prayer, we may have to butcher it.

Ad Hoc Committee to Oversee the Use of the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
The Ad Hoc Committee to Oversee the Use of the Catechism of the Catholic Church declares that this joke is not in conformity with the Catechism of the Catholic Church because 1) it lacks Trinitarian organization; 2) it fails to teach about the judgment of all chickens and the real possibility of hell for all chickens; 3) it fails to mention the fallen nature of the chicken; 4) it fails to use the male personal pronoun to refer to God . . . in fact, it doesn’t mention God at all. Why we are reviewing this? What was the question again?

Job:
…and while we’re getting into it, why did the chicken cross the road, anyway?
God:
Who is this who dares darken counsel by asking why the chicken crossed the road? Gird your loins like a man; I will question you, and you will answer me: Where were you when I made the chicken, with its ineffectual yet tasty wings? Did you give the chicken its cluck? Is it by your wisdom that the chicken runs, flapping its wings toward the distant horizon? Did you set the foundations of the earth upon which the road runneth? Answer, for surely you are great in years!
Job:
Of what account am I? See, I will lay my hand on my mouth, and ask no more why the chicken crossed the road.

Karl Rahner:
If the chicken has made a fundamental option to cross the road then he will indeed cross the road

G.K. Chesterton:
A chicken decided to go to a foreign country and to invent his own heresies. What the chicken found instead is that in fact he had never left his country and had crossed the road and discovered that his heresies were orthodoxy.

Therese de Lisieux:
If the chicken decides to make himself small, God will lift him up and place him on the other side of the road.

Sister Joan D. Chittister:
The chicken crossed the road as a sign of prophetic road crossing to get away from the male dominated hierarchy

Saint Benedict:
The chicken crossed the road to get away from me even though I assured him I was not the Benedict associated with eggs.

Saint Jerome:
The chicken crossed the road since some fool left the vulgate open and he escaped.

Saint Ignatius:
The chicken crossed the road out of obedience to the Holy Father. The chicken should always be disposed to believe that crossing the road is good, if the hierarchy of the Church so decides.

Blessed Mother Teresa:
The chicken crossed the road to help the poorest of the poor chickens.

Saint John of the Cross:
The chicken crossed the road because he realized he was attached to this side of the road. The chicken that is attached to one side of the road however much good there may be in it, will not arrive at the liberty of divine union.

Saint Anthony the Great:
Obviously the chicken crossed the road to get to the desert to purge himself because he suffered from boredom, laziness, and the phantoms of hens.

Saint Domenic:
I suspect that the chicken had Albigensian sympathies since he crossed the road when he saw me coming to preach.

Saint Anthony of Padua:
I have no idea why the chicken crossed the road, but fish I have experience preaching to.

Saint Joseph:
The chicken received a dream over the night warning him to cross the road.

Thanks to Cara for this important Public Service Announcement! :)

Check it out, you will laugh too! Happy Wednesday!

Says something about us, doesn’t it?

I will take the credit/blame.

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We’re related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don’t do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.

2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me..

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

“Son of a Witch” by Gregory Maguire
“Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living Catholic Faith: 101 Stories to Offer Hope, Deepen Faith, and Spread Love” by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & LeAnn Thieman
“He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
“Sex for Busy People: The Art of the Quickie for Lovers on the Go” by Emily Dubberley (This I think will be hysterical! Completely absurd!)
“Benedict XVI: Spiritual Thoughts in the First Year of His Papacy” by USCCB

Update
The “Sex for Busy People” book? Ugh. Completely X-rated. I’m surprised this was available on the shelves at the public library. Yuck. Not funny. Morally offensive.

Certainly brightens the day…. :)