Critical Mass

Continuing in my avoidance of doing work, I am browsing through some other blogs.  One I happen to like a lot is Jen’s “Et tu?” (She has my name, it’s French, she was an atheist who joined the Church on Easter 2007 — same as me, she says a lot of the things that I think, but never have the time to write down or the eloquence to state them as well.)

She wrote this entry on listening to God, instead of falling into despair.  He may be answering your prayers when you aren’t paying attention.  I have found what Jen has found — that often I’ll have a day, and I’ll open up my Bible or a prayer book, and right there will be something that speaks to my situation.  God’s pretty amazing like that.  Sometimes, I can see it, but not see it.  And sometimes, I need to be whapped on the head.  I can be very contrary when it comes to things that are good for me.  I can a very stupid sheep sometimes (a lot of the time?).

Here’s one of these moments:  yesterday, I went to church after work for the Stations of the Cross.  On top of my recent health issues, I have come down with some sort of malaise.  Due to the health issues, two friends of mine (a husband and a wife) took me into the chapel after Stations to pray over me.  I can’t put into words what that experience was like, being in the presence of the Lord with these two wonderful people.  Toward the end, the husband leaned over to me and told me to note which Station we were sitting next to in the chapel.  Then he said that he felt that God was telling him to tell me this (and I’ll probably get the quote wrong):  that I didn’t have to crucify myself, that Christ had already done that for us.  Then he said that he didn’t know what that meant for me, but that it was something that he felt he had to tell me.

After they left, I pondered this for a while.  What I finally came up with was a different phrase, but one that I think relates, “Don’t try to grasp at what is being freely given to you.”  Kinda goes back to one of my core issues.  “Maybe if I am good enough, God will love me.”  “Maybe if I do enough things, succeed, my parents will be proud of me.”  “Maybe if I am happy and nice, people will love me.”  Some action is required on my part to be worthy of love or to have any value at all.

So, “Don’t try to grasp at what is being freely given to you.”

Don’t try to do-do-do to get God/people to love you, He/they love you already.

What a hard thing to me to try and wrap my head around.

You mean…I have inherent worth and value?  Other people, certainly, but not *me*, right?

Similar things have been said along this vein to me this weekend, like:

“You should get anointed.”
Jenn:  “Isn’t that for really sick people?”
“You need healing.  Get the Anointing!”
Jenn:  “I don’t know….  I don’t want to make a big thing of this.  Isn’t the Anointing on a Friday morning?”
“Any priest can do it at any time.  Call Becky.  Make an appointment.  You will call, won’t you?”
Jenn the stupid sheep:  “Mmmm….”
“It’s a sacrament.  Sacraments give grace, right?”
Jenn:  “Yes…”
“I’m serious — get the Anointing!”

See how Jenn the Stupid Sheep shies away from things that are good for her….  She is amazed she wasn’t hit with a ClueBat. (ClueBat - definition per urbandictionary.com: A metaphorical bat used to ‘beat some sense into’ someone who is blatantly stupid.)  Surely, she’s not sick enough for *that*, is she?

And again:

“Do you have a fever?”
Jenn:  “I don’t know.  I don’t feel as hot as I did yesterday, but I didn’t take my temperature.”
“Do you have a thermometer?”
Jenn:  “Yes.”
“Well, you should check.  And if you have a fever, you should take a Tylenol.”
Jenn:  “Nnnnn.  I don’t like taking things.  My mom never took anything or gave us anything unless we were nearly dead.”
“You are not your mother.  You should get the fever down.”
Jenn:  “Nnnnn.”  *Jenn feel another ClueBat-ing being scheduled for her….*

Aside:  I *did* check my temperature, although I was fairly sure I didn’t have a fever.  Normal body temp is 98.6 degrees F.  I am currently 97.7 degrees F.

Back to that listening thing….