Critical Mass

Since I live alone, I have a couple “spare” bedrooms. One is the “office” and the other I use as a exercise/prayer room. Back when I was reading through the Theology of the Body for the first time, I had a bunch of questions or things that I was trying to keep in mind so as to better understand the text. It was frustrating having to keep looking up things that I had looked up before, so I bought a whiteboard and stuck it on the back of the door. On it, I could write definitions or whatnot and then I could just look over every time I got to another sticky passage. Quite helpful.

Over the years, I’ve changed the contents of this whiteboard several times. Sometimes I’ll have lists of prayer intentions, sometimes I’ll have inspiring quotes, and when I was reading through the Bible, I admit to listing the remaining books I had left to read (out of order) and gleefully crossed them off when I had finished. Way to check the box, eh? :)

Anyways, I figure that since this is Friday and I have 7 Quick Takes to write, and since, coincidentally, there happens to be 7 entries on my whiteboard, that I will share this amazing amazingness with you. :)

So, in no particular order, I bring you:

— 1 —

If it’s not okay to have a vasectomy or tubal ligation because it is self-mutilation and disabling a perfectly functioning body system which God designed, would Bariatric surgery be licit, since you are disabling a system which is working correctly, due to a lack of control? [The lack of control could be said for sex as well as eating, to make a level playing field for the comparison.]

— 2 —

“Nuptial meaning of the body” refers to the understanding that Adam and Eve had from their experiences of their own masculinity and femininity. “Meaning” = they were to be a self-gift.

— 3 —

Prov 23:12 – Apply your heart to instruction, and your ears to words of knowledge.

— 4 —

Prayer is the foundation of a moral life.

— 5 —

Baruch 4:28 – As your hearts have been disposed to stray from God, turn now ten times the more to seek Him.

— 6 —

Spousal love – the love expressed in and through a human body.

— 7 —

“We seldom succeed in overcoming as much as a single fault; and we are not wholly on fire with the desire to make daily spiritual progress. The result is that we remain negligent and tepid.”

A joyous Memorial Day weekend to all!

God Bless!

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen at Conversion Diary!

Every so often, there is a story that touches people so deeply, they share it with those around them. Which usually means that it’s in everyone’s Facebook feed or e-mail inbox and favorited on Pinterest and YouTube. This one is no exception. Today, it was the story of Zach Sobiech, a young man who died of osteosarcoma this weekend. But he lived amazingly, and that is what he will be remembered for. I watched the 22 minute long video of his story. And the music video to his song, “Clouds“. And the video that his friends and family made in response to his music video. They were beautiful.

I downloaded the song and played it over and over as I drove to church after work. It really made me cry.

It made me cry, because it made me think. I have a terminal illness. I have no idea how much longer I have to live. It’s not the dying that is upsetting, it’s the living. Am I living the way I ought? This young man clearly has touched thousands of people. What about me? Has my life “meant anything” to anyone?

What if it has not? What if I never really impacted anyone? What is it of me that will remain in people’s hearts after I am gone?

So, I cried.

I cried and I went into the church and I curled up on a bench in the Adoration space behind the tabernacle. I texted one of my best friends, “Do I make any difference?” I was grateful for the organ music being practiced in the church — this masked my sniffling and the way my breath catches as I try to hold the sobs in.

He texted me back, “Sounds like the evil one has your ear. The answer to your question is found by looking at a cross.”

Oh, the irony. I was sitting under a cross. Well, the church’s crucifix, to be precise, but that’s what he meant anyway.

I sat there, trying to understand. Trying to find the answer. What is it that he says about the cross? That you can know that you are loved because Jesus did *that* for *you*. That you are loved far more than you can ever imagine. That even if you were the only human on earth, He would still have become man and died for you. I have worth because I am made in the image and likeness of God.

This was helpful, but it wasn’t the main thrust of my upset. I know that God loves me, and that I have intrinsic dignity.

My crying let up, and I gave this all more thought. Why am I so upset? What is the problem?

I don’t think my life is making a difference or impacting anyone else.

Okay.

Which lead to another question:

Does this matter?

I thought back to my original question: Do I make any difference?

Difference to who? To God? Well, I guess in some ways, the answer to that is yes and no. I mean, God doesn’t *need* anyone. But for some reason, He wants me. He willed me into existence, sustains me here and invites me into relationship with Him. To other people? I guess this is the real question.

Do I make any difference? It’s more of a material question than an existential one. I want my life to somehow positively benefit others. Does it? How can I do this more?

Is this the right thing to want?

I think most people want greatness for their lives. They want to live heroically and with integrity. To be someone others can look up to. To be a saint. I don’t think most people look at their life and decide, “Hey, I want to be mediocre and average.” And it can be good — motivating — to have lofty goals and to set your standards high.

But…

Does this mean that if you do *not* make some material contribution to the good of others that you’ve “failed” at life? Let’s look at some extreme examples. What about people who were born without proper mental faculties for whatever reason, or children who have died very young or before birth. Were their lives less “important” than, say Mother Teresa’s? Of course not. While it’s true that Mother Teresa did amazing things and touched millions of lives, this doesn’t mean that others’ lives are of lesser value.

God doesn’t grade us according to our utility. We just tend to grade ourselves this way.

Another question: How much of my angst is due to my own pridefulness in wanting to Do Great Things and be recognized?

A good question.

After all, if my life in any way positively benefits someone else, it’s actually God’s doing, really, and not mine.

And why am I being all judging about how my life is impacting others’? Isn’t this somewhat of a mystery anyway? Isn’t this what is going to be revealed to us at the end of time when we receive our final judgment? Perhaps I have a greater impact than I know, and am being silly about being upset about it now.

As I was sitting there, praying and contemplating all these things, I heard Mass begin. What? Mass? At 7 pm on a Tuesday? I quickly checked the parish calendar and saw that there was a Men’s Fellowship Mass. Oh. Well, I’m not a man, so I don’t think that I can attend this Mass. “No girls allowed” and all that. But I didn’t want to leave. So I participated from the other side of the tabernacle.

It was kind of hard to hear, since the speakers weren’t set up for my location and there were odd echoes and things. But what I did hear felt like the Mass was just for me. The first reading was from Sirach 2:1-11, which is going to be one of my readings at my funeral services. It’s about knowing that there’s going to be a trial, and to persevere. The rest of Mass was kind of like this. I absorbed more of the spirit of it, rather than the verbatim of the readings and homily. There will be trials and temptations. Keep fighting. God is faithful. Things I really needed to hear.

This Mass was such a blessing. I felt much better. Not just emotionally, either.

I left for home after Mass. On the way out, I passed by the sacristy. Both of my priests were in there de-vesting. My friend was the one who had presided at Mass tonight. When he saw me, he said, “I just said Mass for you. Hang in there, kiddo.”

By the time I got home, everything was different. My worries were gone. Not only that, but it was like I had a reinvigoration of my prayer life and relationship with God, also. I could say that it’s my innate resiliency, or the fact that I finally realized that I was worrying over nothing. But I know what it really is.

Grace.

Thanks be to God.

Clouds
by Zach Sobiech

Well I fell down, down, down
Into this dark and lonely hole
There was no one there to care about me anymore
And I needed a way to climb and grab a hold of the edge
You were sitting there holding a rope

And we’ll go up, up, up
But I’ll fly a little higher
We’ll go up in the clouds because the view is a little nicer
Up here my dear
It won’t be long now, it won’t be long now

When I get back on land
Well I’ll never get my chance
Be ready to live and it’ll be ripped right out of my hands
Maybe someday we’ll take a little ride
We’ll go up, up, up and everything will be just fine

And we’ll go up, up, up
But I’ll fly a little higher
We’ll go up in the clouds because the view is a little nicer
Up here my dear

It won’t be long now, it won’t be long now
If only I had a little bit more time
If only I had a little bit more time with you

We could go up, up, up
And take that little ride
And sit there holding hands
And everything would be just right
And maybe someday I’ll see you again
We’ll float up in the clouds and we’ll never see the end

And we’ll go up, up, up
But I’ll fly a little higher
We’ll go up in the clouds because the view is a little nicer
Up here my dear
It won’t be long now, it won’t be long now

Not all Mother’s Days are this bad. I lost my baby 8 years ago. It’s kind of amazing to think what my life might be like raising an 8-year-old. How very different.

Typically, I focus on the other mothers. My mom, certainly. And other people who have been as mothers in my life: Pat, Mom Duffy, Mom Riccardo, and others. I pray for them. Sometimes, I get them presents. This year, I got chocolate-covered strawberries for my mom (instead of picking out the most bizarre flower that I can find, per usual). And for Mom Riccardo, I picked up a small vase of flowers at a new florist. This place was so new, they didn’t even have a proper display in their showroom. It looked like a tiny workroom instead, except with a dinette set and a fat cat sitting in a chair. LOL! :)

I pray for my friends who have children and hope they have a great day. I look at all of the posts on Facebook. The presents and the flowers and all of the cute things that mothers and kids do together to celebrate each other. It’s lovely and joyful.

I pray for my baby.

Usually at Mass, they have all the women stand up and give us all a blessing. This Sunday, however, Fr. Moses had the Mass. He had the mothers stand.

I did not stand. I didn’t think this included me. My child is dead.

He said a few words, then Deacon Ron interjected that godmothers and “all women” should stand. Perhaps they had intended to be inclusive from the beginning, but after all the “real” mothers were already standing, there’s something prohibitive about standing now. Like, if I stand now I am a fraud, and announcing this fact publicly before the whole church.

All of it hit me like a knife to the heart. I had wanted that baby more than anything. We had tried for so long. And here I am now — years later — with no baby and no husband. My mom made a comment recently that she and my dad had guessed that they’d probably not be getting any grandchildren, as my brother is also unmarried. I can’t do anything about that. I would love to give them grandchildren, to marry and have a family. But it doesn’t look like that is what God has planned for me. Not knowing God’s plan, I *felt* like a failure at life.

That’s how I ended up crying in church.

I took this picture in the car on my way home. For some reason, I wanted to document my pain. It happens, all too frequently, but no one seems to talk about it. Even the labeling can be harsh. If you miscarry early enough in pregnancy, it’s called a miscarriage. If you miscarry late, like I did, you get the diagnosis ABORTION, COMPLETE stamped all over your medical record. Even better, is when your doctor tells you that early miscarriages are usually due to some defect in the baby; whereas ones like yours are more likely to be a problem with the mother.

Thanks for that.

I thought the empty car seat in the photo was an extra dash of dramatic irony. I didn’t plan it that way; it was just the angle of the camera. I have it in there because I’m anticipating the birth of my (future) godchild. It happens to be pink, although we don’t know (and Dad doesn’t want to) the sex of the baby.

It rained ICE after Mass, which matched my mood pretty well. I cried all through my trip to the grocery store, where I bought “comfort food,” recalling the priest from confession who had told me that God can be found in ice cream. He wouldn’t lie, would he? So, I made sure that God would be in my house. :) I assume that He also comes in the form of chips and cookies, too.

Don’t fear for my nutritional health. It will take me WEEKS to eat this and I’ll pawn it off on others, too. Some of it is even healthy. :)

UNRELATED to the junk food, I didn’t feel well for much of the day. Super-nauseated. Which is usually either because of my myopathy, or a low blood sugar. I hadn’t felt like eating much after Mass, but I had something small (and not junk). So, I don’t really know why I felt bad, just that I did.

I blame it on the greasy burger from yesterday. :) But that’s another story.

I went over my parents’ house for dinner. [Burgers. Haha! But these weren't greasy and the green beans were DELICIOUS!] We had an enjoyable dinner and watched a couple programs about beach vacations, which helped, because it was FREEZING outside! :(

Today is a new day, and I’m not sad in the same way. Not every day is sad. Not every Mother’s Day is sad. But it’s okay if you are, so long as you don’t despair.

God has a plan. And He loves us.

— 1 —

I’m in training. For a couple different things, actually. :) I am training for a 5K in August and have started the Couch to 5K program. I’m on Week 2. Yet here it is Friday and I haven’t done Day 2 yet. *sigh* I did Day 1 on Tuesday, Wednesday night was Lindsay Night, yesterday was Bible study and I just fell into bed when I got home. This morning it’s rainy. Hopefully, I’ll be able to run tonight and again tomorrow. I don’t want to fall behind on my weeks.

— 2 —

I’m also in training to be a godmother! Lindsay is 17 weeks yesterday :) We are told that the baby is about the size of a turnip. Amazingly, I had a turnip in the fridge, so we could see what this looked and felt like! :)

Back to my training! I have created a website for the baby. Basically, all of my posts there are speaking directly to him/her (Dad doesn’t want to find out the sex). I have also started reviewing children’s books and movies. Which means that I have 33 items currently checked out from the public library! It’s like an addiction; I return 5 and check out another 20! SO FAR…. I have not incurred a fine. Although I know that this is only a matter of time…

— 3 —

What is the best way to pray for priests?

Often. :)

— 4 —

The best description of depression that I’ve come across: Can be found here. Warning about language. The pictures are pretty awesome!

— 5 —

I’m having a hard time coming up with 7 things to post about. Have you ever had this happen to you? I know that I have more than 7 exciting things going on, but I just can’t think of them at the moment. Where is my secretary, who is supposed to follow me around keeping track of things like this???

— 6 —

I’ll ask you guys questions instead. What kinds of things are you curious about? What inspires you? :)

— 7 —

How about photography… What things to you like to photograph? What is the best “tip” you have?

A joyous weekend to all!

God Bless!

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen at Conversion Diary!

It’s one of those things which happens right on the edge of sleep, when you are most vulnerable. For me, this is probably when I am most accessible to God. When I am least likely to discount an experience as something coming purely from my imagination.

And also why I am writing this as soon as I awake from my nap, so as not to lose it to the “greater wisdom” of the day.

After Catechism, I came home and had dinner while watching part of a movie. When it was over, I went into my prayer room and sat in my comfy chair for a bit. I was thinking a bit of the movie, about these two people who loved each other so much that each was willing to give everything for the other. And I started to think about the relationships in my life and in the lives of those of my friends.

I became acutely aware of the fact that I am single. There is no one who loves me “best”. I am not first in anyone’s life. Sure, I am loved by friends, and I have some close friends, but I am no one’s #1. They have spouses or others who hold that position in their hearts. I wonder if I have ever really been first for anyone? If I have, it has not been for long.

I begin to really weep. For me, but not only for me. Also, for all the other people in the world who are not first in anyone’s heart. Isn’t that our deepest desire? To be fiercely loved?

I think of God. He is supposed to love us all with this fierceness, right? Right?

But then again, Jesus loved John in a way in which He did not love the other disciples, yes? Aren’t we told of some primacy in His affection for John, the beloved disciple?

I think of how I am lonely here, in my singleness. I have no one here who puts me first. I think of what Heaven might be like. And I weep. For if Jesus can have greater love for one of his disciples, what are the chances of Him loving *me* like that? I mean, sure, God loves us all in the sense that He wants what is best for us, but what about this fierce love that we crave so much?

Will I not be First for You, Lord?

And as I weep, I ask Him to explain it to me. To tell me what love is. To let me know how His love for me works. Not the mechanics of it, but how He can love each of us, so that no one is left in Heaven, standing on the sidelines, looking at how He loves others just a little more….

How did the other disciples feel, seeing Him love John as He did? What about Bartholomew? What do their relationships look like now, when they are all with Him in Heaven?

And so, while crying myself to sleep, I continue to ask Him to explain this all to me.

I wake up, a few hours later. I am no longer sad, but my question resonates in my mind:

Will I not be First for You, Lord?

Then, He flips the question back on me:

Will I not be First for you?

And I understand this as His cry to each one of us. He wants to be First in each of our affections. But for the vast majority of us, this is not the case. At least, not for long.

And I see an image of each of us weeping, He and I, our heads down and an arm outstretched towards the other, desperately seeking the heart of the other. But, as yet, separate.

And as I sit here, recounting this experience — one which I know will be all too easy to discount in the light of day, but one which I also know is one which is *not* to be discounted — I think about the nature of that love which we so desire. What kind of love is it that we want? What is it that I am looking for in my life?

I want that one person who will put me first above all others. Well, that’s not completely accurate, is it? Is it? It’s not really that I want to be loved *more* or that I want anyone else to be loved *less*…

I just want to be loved completely. To be grabbed and held on to. For someone to love me so much, that they would give everything, just for me. That they would die, just for me.

Well now. That kind of sounds familiar.

Lord,

I am going to be talking just to You in this post. Mostly because You are all good and You love me and are probably the only One who would want to be around me right now.

I know that emotions are transient, and that they, in themselves, are not sinful. It’s what we do with them, right? Well, right now, I am so frustrated. I can’t even point out a particular reason for my extreme frustration, but there it is. And everything seems to be making it worse!

I am trying to be kind and to help others. I don’t want to feel this way.

I am trying to work on my homework for Catechism study tonight. At the end of the section we are to read for today’s lesson, it tells us to read and pray with Psalm 139 this week. So I looked up and read it. It was all about how You know our innermost thoughts. So You already know how tempestuous I am inside this morning.

I know it will pass. I also know that any comfort given by others is not likely to be received well by me at the moment. I am just not very receptive. The last thing I want when I feel this way is for people to be kind or understanding. Why is that? Is it because their kindness points out in even sharper relief the fact that I am feeling anything BUT kindness at the moment?

Please give me Your peace. It’s the only thing that can help. And please help me to see others through Your eyes and to love them with Your love, for my own is very insufficient, especially now.

Thank You for listening to me and being here with me, even when I don’t want to be with myself. I love You.

— 1 —

First off… I haven’t actually taken any authentic “sizzurp.” If you don’t know what sizzurp is, don’t bother looking it up. You don’t need to know. :) It’s some sort of random stuff including cough syrup that people throw together in order to get high. The reason that this is the Sizzurp Edition, is because I got a cold and bought some Nyquil yesterday. Typically, Nyquil does not make me sleepy or anything, so I take it during the daytime, too.

I took my cough syrup as I was heading out the door to work, hoping that it’s “6 hour” time frame would last for the majority of the work day. Then, I stopped at Caribou for a bit of espresso-based goodness. Shortly after getting to work, I started to feel … odd. Dizzy, lightheaded, couldn’t think too well. I had been listening to “Like a G6″ in the car on the drive in, so I couldn’t help but thinking that the combination of my espresso and my cough syrup in my tummy had some sort of weird effect.

— 2 —

Alas, all good things must come to an end, and I am starting to feel normal again. It is Payday Friday, so our group at work has decided to order out from Applebee’s today. I *did* bring my lunch, but appetizers sounded better to me, so I will be munching on Chicken Wonton Tacos and such. Be jealous. :)

— 3 —

My best friend is on an airplane *as I type* heading to Hawaii for about 10 days. I remain here in Michigan. That’s all I have to say about that. :)

— 4 —

Okay, here is a picture of me when I was in Hawaii… So I guess I can’t be *that* jealous…. :)

— 5 —

This is one of the most ironic illnesses that I’ve had in a while. Why, you ask? Well, because I woke up Monday morning and felt great. I mean, amazingly well. I had energy and actually bounced out of bed. I felt so good that I texted my priest/friend about it (because I thought he deserved some good news after years of praying for me and my health). And then… by that evening… I got a sore throat and knew that a full-on cold was just a morning away.

I refuse to let this get me down, though! As much as I hate (and whine and complain about) colds! I will cling to the memory of that brief, perfect morning and hope that I may have another sometime in the future!

Enjoy your blessings, friends! For whatever duration God decides to bestow them upon you.

— 6 —

It is still cold outside, but it’s bright and sunny here today. So, I have hope that spring and warmth will eventually make it to my part of the world. And I cannot be happier about that! :) I really want to go out and do some outdoorsy stuff. So, if you happen to have any plans of that nature, please invite me along! :)

— 7 —

I have only got a few hours left… Until the official start of the weekend. And I realize that I don’t have any plans. Okay. I *did* have plans to spend tomorrow with some friends, but the plague that I have caught seems to have scared them off. I don’t get it. Who wouldn’t want to have themselves and all of their 5 children infected with a cold virus? Alas, I am back to the drawing board. Suggestions welcome. And since a friend has posted that “resting” isn’t actually in a sick person’s best interest, I will try to avoid that as best as I can!

A joyous weekend to all!

God Bless!

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen at Conversion Diary!

What a day to celebrate the Resurrection of the Lord! :)

I woke up today feeling better than I have in *months* (if not longer)! Thank You, Jesus! I have no idea how long this will last, but I’m not particularly dwelling upon that question, but enjoying this while I can. :) I got out of the door this morning on time and got a mocha from Starbucks. Then, I got to enjoy a beautiful sunrise while getting on the expressway. It was a pale rainbow with mountainous purple-pink clouds. Days like this make me wish I could just stop for a moment and take a picture.

I don’t want to waste this day of feeling well. I want to do everything! But I know that it is precisely this time which I need to give back to the Lord, so that I can use this time of feeling well to do what it is that He would like me to do. What He would have be do is infinitely more important than anything I could fill my day with. So, I prayed this morning on the way in to work and offered my health and my day back to Him. I prayed that I would be able to hear what it is that He would have me do.

I am looking forward to doing the Lord’s work today! :) Thanks be to God!

Blessings on your Easter octave!

— 1 —

This has been the slowest. week. ever. I have been feeling particularly bad throughout the week and have been barely hanging on minute to minute.

— 2 —

On the plus side, I have been able to go to work, which is a blessing because I need the Benjamins to pay the bills.

— 3 —

And… I have had tons of suffering to use redemptively for the good of others. Which has also meant that I have been praying A LOT!!! :)

— 4 —

Although I feel miserable most of the time… God is with me through this, so I still have joy. I am still blessed and I still love my life. These things will not change. I am grateful for all that God has done for me.

— 5 —

I think I’ve been driving my priest crazy with all of my prayer requests. But really, he’s one of my best friends and gets the distinct honor of knowing these kinds of things. :) Plus, I comfort myself by picturing a man-shaped depression being worn into the tiles in front of the tabernacle from the hours and hours per day that he spends laying prone in prayer on my behalf. This is what happens, right???

— 6 —

One last sickie-take… If you happen to have any intentions, feel free to send them my way! I will be sure to pray for them, especially when I am feeling crummy when, I am told, they are most efficacious. :)

— 7 —

And now for something fun!! I got the great (stolen) idea to do a podcast on various things/topics around the church, hosted by our young adult group: Firestarters. I roped Fr. Eric to do this for the first session, and I have to tell you… I am SO looking forward to the creation of the “gag reel”! Here’s a little taste, “These are votive candles. They are called votive candles because that’s what they are.” I can’t make this kind of stuff up, people!

In keeping with the theme of the week, I will leave you with a pouty-face picture. Keep the faith, peeps! :)

God Bless!

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen at Conversion Diary!

Memorial of St. John of God, religious

Today’s readings:
Hosea 14:2-10
Mark 12:28-34

[Read the Daily Reflection at Take Five for Faith. Unfortunately, there was an error in the bulletin this week and the reflection from yesterday was reprinted for today.]

For those of you who are like me and less inclined, perhaps, to poetry, the reading from Hosea can tend to be something which we skim over without extracting a lot of meaning. I know, for me, I need to make a conscious effort to slow down and think about the images being presented and what they mean.

In the first stanza (Is that what it’s called? I’m really bad at poetry. Really bad. I mean verses 2-3.), they are talking about a people who have hit the proverbial rock-bottom. They aren’t able to stand on their own; they have collapsed. Their “friends” won’t be there to help them. They don’t have any defenses. They are utterly incapable of saving themselves. Even the most pitiable people in their society — orphans — pity *them*.

Think about that for a minute. Have you ever been in a situation that was dark and seemingly hopeless? Where everything seems to have crumbled away? Where you were tempted to despair? Savor that emotion for just a moment.

Now, let’s read what comes next in verses 4-7. God is telling them that He is going to break into their lives — into their despair and hopelessness — and He is going to not only restore them, but transform them (and the situation) into something precious and beautiful.

To be swept from the absolute worst of situations to the best of situations… What an amazing feeling! And a reality that happens to us far more frequently than we realize.